Bittersweet Paradox

Cupid, You and I need to Discuss Your Aim

2010-02-04T16:53:00.002+08:00

Disclaimer: I got the title from a FaceBook Page which I became a fan of.

I hope I find someone who, unlike you, will be scared to lose me.

I hope I will find someone who can love me the way I love you.

I guess I'm beginning to accept that it's not you.

It's probably not you.

Because you're driving me crazy.

And not in a good way.

Shout Out

2009-12-07T19:23:00.003+08:00

I attended the 9th Annual MetroCon held at the University of Rizal System in Tanay, Rizal. The event was entitled: Shout Out.

And here's mine.

Here's the summary of the whole story:

Slightly more than a year ago today, I met a boy.
He and I grew close.
I fell in love with him.
He didn't feel the same way and although we never officially became a couple, he and I were always more than just friends.
I was happy.
I broke a lot of rules but I didn't give a rat's ass because I was so so sooo happy.

Almost 2 months ago, that boy broke my heart.
It was with a broken heart and a broken spirit that I attended the YFC-TIP Manila Youth Camp.
The Camp made me feel better about the circumstances but I'm still broken.
I'm not sure if I can ever be whole again.

You wanna know what's ironic?
The boy who broke my heart is the same boy who comforts me whenever I feel awful.
Just this morning, I was crying when he hugged me and told me to be strong.
He kissed me on both cheeks and told me that I'll get through this.

Lord, I hope he's right.

Please, help me move on. Help me get better. Help me let go. So I can be as good a friend to him as he is to me.

This is my shout out.

2009-11-16T13:12:00.000+08:00

Make a Smilebox photobook

Broken Girl

2009-10-16T11:32:00.004+08:00

I want to scream until no sound comes out and you've learned your lesson

I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep

So I don't have to make a bad impression

I need to start to be myself

'Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down

It's here

And now I'm breaking out

I will learn to love again

But I will stand a broken man

I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me

I wanna take back all the shit that I have done

But I guess you were better off without me

I need to start to be myself

'Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down

It's here and now

I'm breaking out

I will learn to love again

But I will stand a broken man

I took one big step and I looked away

And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say

I'm always too late

You never got your story straight

I'm always up late

I think I'm everything you hate

I won't let you bring me down

It's here and now

I'm breaking out

I will learn to love again

But I will stand a broken man

(Broken Man by Boys Like Girls)

I can't stop listening to this song. One day I will wake up and I will be okay. I will stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. I will be happy.I just cling to the hope that there is someone out there who is meant to love me the way I deserve to be loved.

Crushed

2009-10-16T10:47:00.003+08:00

For the past 11 months my life feels like it's been hurtling towards a goal at about 150km/hour. Everything besides my goal were mere blurs. And then something happened. I crashed. Came to an abrupt halt. And instead of a quick, painless, death, I was left alive to suffer the consequences of my actions.

photo from: http://rainkira.deviantart.com/art/Crushed-41179883

Sometimes, not having an umbrella has its benefits...

2009-07-27T16:57:00.004+08:00

I hate it when it rains. Which is too bad for me because I live in a tropical country where it practically rains about half of the year and sometimes even during the dry season. I know a lot of people who don't mind the precipitation because it gets quite cold in an otherwise humid city and I must say that I see what they mean but this doesn't change the way I feel about rain. Here are some reasons why I loathe the rainy season:

1. I don't like it when my feet get wet in flood water.

2. I'm very paranoid about Leptospirosis.

3. I don't like bringing an umbrella.

4. You wouldn't think that Manila traffic could get any worse but during heavy rainfall, that's exactly what happens.

5. I don't like the general gloominess of the atmosphere when it rains, it's very conducive for depression.

But something happened last night that made me like rain a lot more than I usually do. I attended a friend's birthday party in Bulacan and when it was time to go home, it was raining cats and dogs. My friend, the birthday celebrant, had an umbrella but it wasn't big enough to cover both of us so we ended up getting soaked anyway. It was a pretty long walk from his house to the tricycle stop. I was grumbling the whole time because I was ankle deep in floodwater and my shirt was wet and I was getting cold because it was really windy, too. At the same time, I was really worried about him because I didn't want him to get sick or anything like that. The rain was turning torrential and no tricycle was in sight. Suffice it to say that I was in a sour mood. But one little moment made me feel better about the whole situation While we were waiting for a tricycle, he put his arm around me so that we could kip under the little umbrella. So there we were, in the middle of an empty street, huddled under a small umbrella while water poured as if from a waterfall all around us. Right then and there, my bad mood went away. I wished it would take hours for the tricycle to get there so we could stay like that for a long time. It was such a sweet gesture that I was taken off guard. My friend, who was usually brusque when it comes to me, was being really nice to me. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy but things like that weren't something that happened often so I think that memory will be lodged in my head for a while. It's not somehing that I'm likely to forget because of the rush of feelings that I experienced at that time. Just when I felt like I was about to give up on him, he goes and does something like that. It gave me hope. The rain turned out to be a blessing after all.

And that is why sometimes, not having a umbrella has its benefits.

photo from: http://Peach-melba.deviantart.com/art/Umbrella-20280249

2009-06-22T02:23:00.002+08:00

Mahal ko talaga siya.

Mahal na mahal.

Sorry, wala na kong mapaglabasan ng sama ng loob.

Ang bigat bigat lang talaga ng pakiramdam ko.

Ang hirap pala talagang magmahal ng taong hindi ka gusto.

Feeling ko tuloy ang laki ng diperensya ko.

Ewan ko ba.

Napakaiyakin ko talaga.

Pag gising, iyak.

Bago matulog, iyak.

Hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat kong gawin.

Hindi ko siya kayang layuan kasi sa maikling panahon na nakilala ko siya, naging napakahalagang bahagi na niya ng buhay ko.

Hindi ko na alam kung san ako lulugar.

2009-05-01T22:34:00.003+08:00

Ano sa Tagalog ang Optimistic?

Ang daming kong gustong sabihin. Pero wala akong maisulat. Lately, parang ang gulo ng buhay ko. Ako kasi yung tipo ng tao na lahat ng gusto eh nakukuha. Oo, spoiled ako. Aminado naman ako eh. Ito siguro ang dahilan kung bakit madali akong madisappoint. Mataas kasi ang expectations ko sa maraming bagay. Sa school. Sa bahay. Sa pamilya. Pati nga yata sa sa lovelife. These past few months, parang bumaliktad ang mundo ko. Lahat na lang ng gusto ko, di ko nakukuha. Nakakapanibago. Pero wala naman akong magawa. Ngayon ko lang naranasan 'to, sa totoo lang. So medyo nahihirapan akong mag adjust. Pero unti-unti na kong nasasanay at natututo na hindi lahat ng gusto ko eh madaling kunin o maabot. Minsan, kailangan paghirapan ang mga bagay na gusto mo para pag nakuha mo na 'to, mas may sense of achievement ka. Kahit di ako sanay sa ganito, hindi naman ako yung tipo ng tao na madaling mag give up. Optimistic ako eh. Kahit nagkakanda leche leche na ang buhay ko, ngingiti at ngingiti lang ako dahil naniniwala ako na may pag-asa pa.

2009-04-05T15:15:00.003+08:00

Craptastic

I really don't know what's gonna happen next. I am only twenty years old but I have long learned that life's twists and turns are not something that could easily be figured out. So I just sit and wait. It's boring and it's driving me crazy but what else is there to do anyway? Schoolwork can't really distract me now that things are about to come to a close. Nothing is substantial enough to claim my attention for longer than a few fleeting minutes. So I sit and I wait and I think. Sometimes I think too much. And the thinking drives me crazy. I want to just go with the flow. But things could never be that easy. I feel like time is passing so slowly yet at the same time I feel like I'm running out of time. So much has been happening. It's all so confusing. When we were kids, we relied on grown-ups to tell us what to do. When we started growing up and developing minds of our own, we started resenting them for it. But now, wouldn't it be nice if someone could just tell me, step by step what I'm supposed to be doing to get my life back on the right track? I am so lost. I hardly know what I'm doing these days. I feel like a completely different person. Sometimes I wish I could be fifteen years younger. I just wanna be a kid again. Everything used to be so easy. But now, 'easy' is a luxury. I seem to run into speed bump after speed bump of disappointments. I know I'm nothing special. I'm just your everyday, average girl with everyday, average dreams. I just want to be happy. But happiness is an elusive little thing. I can never seem to catch it. I try to stay optimistic but the world just keeps pushing me down. I'm getting tired of it, really. It's exhausting to pretend that everything's ok when on the inside, I feel like my soul is dying.

2009-02-13T09:31:00.001+08:00

Addicted

I have too much free time on my hands. I've made about three of these on CS2 ever since I learned how. So far, this one's my favorite. ^^

2009-02-12T19:38:00.004+08:00

Three words: asa pa ko.

We were sitting on his bed.

We've done this a dozen times before but this time it was different.

Something has changed.

It was a good change.

The atmosphere was light.

It was like all the heartache and pain from the previous months were just a figment of our imagination.

He was happy.

I was happy.

We were happy together.

He had his arms around me and he was hugging me tight.

He's hugged me before but this was a different kind of hug.

It was better.

It was as if he never wanted to let me go.

I liked that.

And I was hugging him back.

I love the fact that he's so huggable.

We were just sitting on his bed, hugging.

The world could have imploded around us and we wouldn't have cared.

Nothing else mattered except him and me.

We were content with just being with and holding each other.

I looked up at him and I smiled.

He smiled back.

He tilted my chin up and pulled my lips towards his.

He has kissed me before but this kiss was different.

It's as if it was our first.

It was sweet and gentle and passionate at the same time.

I never wanted it to end.

Neither did he.

It was a kiss between two people who had a deep and meanigful connection.

It was a kiss between two people who loved each other.

Yes, I finally realized what made it all so different.

I used to be the only one who harbored these kinds of feelings toward him.

I used to be the only one who loved him.

And now, he loved me back.

I was happy because he was happy.

I took pride in being the one who healed his broken heart.

He was no longer depressed and angry and bitter.

He was content.

Because of me.

I couldn't believe my luck.

After all the waiting and the crying and the longing, I finally got my wish.

He was finally mine.

And I was his.

It was the best moment of my life...

And then I woke up.

Lecheng alarm clock yan!

2009-02-03T19:41:00.004+08:00

Ano ba talaga?

It's the third day of February already. June is drawing nearer and nearer. In just four short months, I'll be a bachelor's degree holder. Four months! That's sixteen weeks. A hundred and twenty days, more or less. I should be deciding what I want to do after graduation right about now. I wrote this on my planner last Monday:

"I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. ... I'm still not sure what I want to do after school. OPTION 1: Leave the country to go and study at the University of Vienna. OPTION 2: Stay here and earn my Masters degree at the University of the Philippines instead. OPTION 3: There is no option 3. Not yet anyways. At least not as good as the first two."

Both options are really good. For me, at least. But both come with their own consequences, of course. C'est la vie, as usual.

I want to take up "deutschen Sprache als einer fremden/zweiten Sprache" (translation: German as a foreign/second language) for my Masters at the University of Vienna. If I do that, I'll be with my mom, dad, and brother. I'll be with my family. We'll be complete. I've been waiting for this for a decade now, more or less. I'll be home. I've never lived in Austria for more than two and a half months but when I'm there, I feel at peace. It's like I have no worries when I'm under my parents' roof. I feel that I am home, so to speak. I could live and study in a very interesting and beautiful place. But when I think about leaving the Philippines, which has been my home for twenty years now, it makes me feel sad. I've noticed that whenever I leave the country for more than two weeks, I get really homesick. What more if I leave it for good?

When I think about leaving my relatives here, the aunts and uncles who have helped raise me, my cousins who have treated me like a sibling, my grandmother; my friends; and everybody else I love, it makes me feel even more awful. I've gotten so accustomed to living here that I can't imagine how I'm gonna start to live a new life. No more commuting in jeepneys. No more pollution. No more ipis. No more traffic. I won't have trouble adapting, I guess, but I will miss everything that has been a part of my daily routine here. Probably not the traffic and certainly not the ipis, but everything else. Austria is such a gloomy country compared to the Philippines. I'm gonna miss the noise and the friendliness and the hospitality. I'm gonna miss Jollibee! Walang Jolllibee sa Europe! So the alternative choice for me would be to take up MA in German at UP.

But...

I've been so lonely here lately that I sometimes think that leaving might be a good idea after all.. To start over. To leave behind everything and every person and every memory that has hurt me here is tempting. To go so far away and start anew might actually make me feel better. Sometimes, I get bored with the monotony of my life here. Maybe it's time for some drastic changes.

You can see how I'm having a hard time deciding. Every pro has a corresponding con and vice versa. I guess I could delay the decision-making for a little while longer but there's no denying the fact I have to decide on it eventually. The future's looming close and there's nothing I can do about it.

2009-01-31T08:49:00.002+08:00

Born to Love

I have a good life. I have a nice family. I have awesome friends. I go to a really good school. I'm doing well enough at that said school. Material-wise, I am very blessed as well. My mom and dad are very hard working people which is why I have an above-average allowance. I get whatever I want. Most of the time anyways. All I have to do is ask. Yes, I'm spoiled. But I am not a brat.

So why is it that, when I wake up every morning, I feel like there's this huge void in my life? It's as if I am neglecting something that I am supposed to be doing. I try and try to distract myself with other things likes chores or schoolwork or with my hobbies or by going out with friends but the void remains. It's like that antacid commercial: there's a big gaping hole in my gut and it's constantly demanding attention.

I've spent countless times contemplating about this strange void and, after a while, I finally realized what it is. I know what I'm missing.

I haven't had a boyfriend in 11 months. I miss that. Knowing that you have someone who loves you the same way you love him is one of the best feelings in the world. I don't necessarily miss the person. I just miss the feeling. I know I shouldn't need a boyfriend to complete my life but I think I am one of the people who were born to love. And I was born to love seriously. I miss taking care of someone the way you're supposed to take care of a boyfriend. And I miss having someone take care of me that way. It just gives me a sense of security and comfort. Isn't it nice to know that, despite all of the shitty things that happen in your life, there will always be someone there who will make it all better? I want that. I want it again. Knowing that there's someone who loves you despite all your imperfections gives you confidence in yourself. Confident people give off this really happy aura. That's why we 'glow' when we're in a healthy relationship.

Some guys have expressed interest. It's flattering, really. Thanks but no thanks, though. It wouldn't have worked out. I just knew it. Girls have an intution for this kind of thing. And I've experienced enough heartache to know that going against your intuition would come back and bite you on the ass. I know it's not easy to get turned down. I've experienced rejection, too. So I'm really sorry for having been the one to break your hearts. I didn't mean to. And besides, karma got to me. I fell in love with someone who will probably never see me as more than a friend. I fell fast. I fell hard. I guess I misinterpreted his actions. I though he might like me too but I was wrong. Intution could be wrong, too. But, dammit, I just like him so much. He's exactly the kind of guy I could see myself being with. Unfortunately, I'm not his kind of girl. I've never really asked what his kind of girl is. I'm too chicken to hear the answer. Besides, I think I know anyway. It would just hurt so much more to hear it. But I wish I could have been given the chance. I want to make him happy and to take care of him and all that stuff but I'm not allowed to. We have boundaries. I hate pining for someone. It's such a waste of time but it can't be helped, can it?

Anyhoo, I really hope I get over him soon. I love him but I can't tell him or show him as much as I want to because it would just be too weird, I guess. So pinipigilan ko na lang sarili ko. And one day, I will wake up and hopefully feel better about all of this.

Someday, I'll meet someone who will make the sadness and emptiness go away. Hopefully, permanently.

2008-12-17T20:53:00.000+08:00

Off the top of my head

I just feel like writing. I know I posted something before this just a few minutes ago but that was just a repost so it doesn't really count. I don't really have a specific topic in mind. These are just random ramblings. Bear with me here.

So.. We've been packing like crazy for the past few days because we're about to move to Victoria Towers this coming Saturday. Since the condo is a fairly tiny place, it will barely fit all of us so we have to send most of our stuff back home to San Jose. Some of the stuff, we decided to give away because they're just useless clutter. This is when I affirmed the fact that I really do have separation issues. It pained me to give away clothes even when I wasn't using them anymore. Some of them had sentimental value so it was very hard to part with them. I gave away at least two boxes full of clothes. Just imagine how hard it was for me to sort through my things and decide which ones to keep. I mean, I like all of my stuff, that's why I own them, isn't it? The same thing happened with shoes. I gave away a box full of footwear. I am fond of each and every pair of those shoes but I had to give them away because they simply didn't have space anymore. I also gave away bags and various other items that we're strangely hard for me to part with. I easily get attached to things. That's why letting go is so hard for me. But there. We gotta learn, I suppose..

I simply refused to give up my books. Over my dead body are they gonna give away my books! Probably not even then because my cold corpse shall be clutching those books with all its might. They don't have space in the condo so I opted to send them home to San Jose. Which is still pretty painful for me because I am very very very fond of my books. I mean, how can I not be? They are my form of escape when the world starts to suck from time to time.

I still have a few boxes of clothes left and I am trying to figure out how to sneak them into the condo without my tita noticing. *insert evil laugh here* In my defense, these are the clothes that I use all the time. Well, most of them anyways. Some of them I just really can't let go because my mom or other important people gave them to me.

And then there are the little things which I am quite certain are classified as trash but I just don't have the heart to throw them away because they symbolize significant moments/memories for me. Like this teeny little shell that I got when I was in Italy. I was walking on the beach in Lignano when I decided to just pick up a random shell. I clearly remember that moment because it was the last time when I felt completely at peace. I didn't have love-related problems. School-related conflicts. I didn't have any problems, period. I was happy. I was content. That was the last time I remember feeling like that and the little shell is a reminder of it so I just can't throw it away. And then there's this pseudo-birthday banner that my Resi roomies made for me on my 18th birthday. It's just crayon on short bond paper but I can't throw it away because my former roomies were like my college family for the two years that we were together and the banner is a reminder of how lucky I am to have met really nice people like them.

These are the kinds of things that I think about when I sort through my things which is why, like I said about a gazillion times already in this blog entry, it is not easy for me to throw things away.

I have separation issues.

2008-12-17T10:43:00.000+08:00

Think about it..

*I got this from a schoolmate who got it from a friend. Anyways, I didn't write it. I just reposted it because I think it makes sense..

This might give you things to ponder about. ^^,

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who takes your breath away?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you breathe easier when times get rough...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person you stay up all night thinking about?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to sleep easier knowing that they are in your life...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who completes you?

- but rather, it's the person who makes you feel whole and able to be who you are when you're by yourself...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who sweeps you off your feet?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to stay grounded, focused and determined to do the things you set out to do...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the person who totally understands you and knows everything about you?

- but rather, it's the person who sees things that you don't and spends the time to try to get to know more of you...

What if "the one" isn't supposed to be the one who brings out the best in you?

- but rather, it's the person who helps you to discover the things about yourself that you need to change...

What if "the one" isn't the person who gives you butterflies, or makes you feel all tingly on the inside?

- but rather, it's the person who gives you comfort when you need it and makes you feel safe on the outside...

What if "the one" isn't the person you've been waiting for all your life?

- but rather, it's the person that's been waiting for YOU all your life...

--Ptr. King

2008-12-09T23:45:00.000+08:00

My Christmas Wish List

Exchange gifts namin ng college barkada ko sa Friday. Traditionally, we write wish lists so that we all know what to get each other. And here's mine. I've grouped them according to Price Range.

Realistic (The things that I am most likely to get..)

1. Books (ANY of the following. pwede rin ALL if you like. haha)

a. The Tales of Beedle the Bard by JK Rowling

b. What My Mother Doesn't Know by Sonya Sones

c. Stop in the Name of Pants! by Louise Rennison

d. The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami

2. American Boulevard shirt (XL po ako)

3. BIG Pillow (dahil walang ka-hug this Christmas. huhu)

4. Hoodie (preferably Purple)

5. Twilight Soundtrack (some of the songs are nice. yung iba ngekngok. kasya ba 'to budget? i'm not sure. hehe. bahala na.)

6. Owls (collection ko po ito. kahit ano basta owl. stuffed toy. keychain. pillow. basta may owl. hehe)

Semi-Relistic (The things that I might posssibly get..)

1. Havaianas (size 37-38, flats lang po, i don't like the ones with heels.)

2. Chucks (I want Purple or Orange, size 5)

3. Red Mary Janes from Crocs (size 6-7)

4. killer heels from Nine West, red or purple or black (di ko sha isusuot, titignan ko lang. haha)

5. A dress from Kamiseta (preferably purple or red. size:XS. oo XS. di ka nagkakamali ng basa, XS talaga yan. haha. they have big sizes eh.)

6. Red PSP (nawawala lahat ng PSP dito sa bahay. namimiss ko na maglaro ng Tekken at Virtual Tennis)

7. 32GB iPod touch

Absurd (The things that I could get but would cost too much..)

1. Roundtrip Ticket to Austria

2. Roundtrip Ticket to the US

3. Roundtrip Ticket to Hong Kong

4. Roundtrip Ticket to Singapore

gusto ko umalis. kahit sandali lang.

Impossible (The things that I shouldn't even be asking for in a Christmas wishlist)

1. Nikon d700

2. Porsche 911 Turbo. Yellow, please.

3. Mitsubishi Eclipse GT. Red naman.

4. World Peace

Priceless (Nevermind all the things I said. Ito na lang ibigay nio sakin.)

Matinong boyfriend.

Yun lang.

Matino.

Di mang-iiwan.

Di mananakit.

Di magpapaiyak.

I could have all the material things in the world but none of them would matter. Money can't buy happiness. "Everything means nothing if I ain't got you" ang drama. Oh, diba.

Advanced Merry Christmas y'all.

2008-12-07T22:49:00.000+08:00

1 Corinthians 13

¹ If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

³ If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

⁵ It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

¹⁰ but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

¹² Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

2008-12-06T12:44:00.000+08:00

Ten Things I Hate About Love

Sure, there are lots of things to like about love. But, unfortunately, while there may be a positive side to everything, there's also the negative face. Here's a list of the top ten things that we love to hate about love.

Ten:

The way it can make you do crazy things. Whether it's something as outrageous as getting your special someone's name tatooed on your hiney or stalking the object of your affections, there's no doubt that love can loosen a few screws in your head.

Nine:

The way it can make you feel different emotions all at the same time. Have you ever felt elated, anxious, enraged, blissful, empty, and fulfilled all in the span of five minutes? No? Then you've never been in love.

Eight:

All the irritating butterflies in your stomach. Falling in love has a way of suddenly turning your tummy into the world's largest butterfly house. All those critters in there, so to speak, just give you that sickening feeling that kind of makes you wanna hurl. Now who would want that?

Seven:

The way it can put you in a daze. Recall those moments when you get that glazed look in your eyes and you just phase out and slip into "the zone" because you're thinking of the love of your life. Not only does it embarrass you when people gawk at you because you look stoned, it makes you look stupid too.

Six:

The way it can make you forget some of the important people in your life. The moment you and your beloved hook up, you start living in a different dimension. You start blowing off gimmicks with friends, skipping on Sunday lunch with relatives, missing your fave shows, the list goes on and on and on. Spending time with your sweetie is all good and well but don't shunt aside all the people who have been with you through thick and thin way before your sweetheart entered the scene.

Five:

The way it can make you stupid. When you are in love, your IQ has a tendency of dropping from genius to a few notches below average. It sort of burns all your neurons, consuming them 'til they're nothing but wisps of smoke so that your usual bitingly witty self is reduced to speaking gibberish when the object of your affections is anywhere within a 5-mile radius of you.

Four:

The way it can make you blind. Everyone knows this cliche. Love has a way of making you want to shield yourself from the truth as long as you remain in your happy little world wherein lovers don't cheat on each other, no one lies, no one gets hurt, and everyone is ridiculously merry. Two words for you: wake up! Sure the truth can suck but the more you deny it, the more you will get hurt when you finally decide to stop pretending and start seeing the ugly, naked truth that it's impossible to love and not get hurt in the process.

Three:

The way it can make you lose so much sleep. We need eight hours of sleep a day. Sadly, we lose about half of it (if not more) whenever we ponder on thoughts concerning "the one". When we finally succumb to sleep and manage four hours worth of slumber, we wake up in the morning with a colossal headache, baggy aching eyes, and grouchiness that could add a few wrinkles to our already creased faces. It's not exactly what one could call refreshing.

Two:

The way it can make you cry. Whether it's crying tears of joy or wallowing in a puddle of grief, your beloved consumes about half of your whole's life supply of tears. And crying for whatever reason never fails to make anyone's eyes look all red and puffy. Not very attractive, is it?

One:

The thing that I hate the most about love is that it can break your heart. We're talking about almost literally ripping out someone's full-sized aortic pump out of their chest, hurling it across the room, and then stomping all over it wearing shoes that were made for climbing ice walls (you know, the ones with the sharp little spikes). Allowing yourself to fall in love is setting yourself up to get hurt in some way. It's kind of masochistic actually. At one episode of your life, you will love and lose.

Like I've said before, love is not all milk and honey. It also has ampalaya moments. Getting hurt, getting that feeling that just makes you want to hurl is all part of it. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not suggesting abstaining from love or something like that. These are just things to watch out for when your moment finally comes. If you think you're ready to actually take your own dosage of luuurve, you should be prepared to tackle its side effects.

* NOTE: I wrote this when I was in high school. It's so cheesy which is why I find it absolutely hilarious now. It's kinda embarrassing to share because it's very corny but a few friends of mine liked it and asked me to post it. Here you go.

photo by: hiriell (http://hiriell.deviantart.com/art/hate-love-19249722)

2008-12-03T19:45:00.001+08:00

Random Thoughts and Mixed Emotions..

So the Thesis Proposal Defense went well enough. We answered the first few questions but we faltered in some as well. The most embarrassing mistake we made was not being able to answer when we were asked who the proponent of the Feminist Legal Theory is. We should've seen that one coming. Oh, well. We passed. While it chagrins me to have to succumb to mediocrity, I couldn't help but feel relieved that we did not fail. I'm the kind of person who always likes to look on the bright side. We're very thankful that we got a very kind reader who was nice enough to give us some really useful pointers and our mentor was really cool, too. Our reader even noticed my "killer shoes". Haha.

We couldn't relax entirely though. Not yet anyways because we have some major revisions to make. Plus I still have that final exam in International Law on Friday. Just the thought of it makes me want to hyperventilate.

=====

I am being bored out of my mind here at home. All my friends seem to be preoccupied with one thing or another. I want to go out but everyone seems busy. And I really don't feel like going out alone. I'm thinking of taking Kiko out but I'm not sure where to go. Luneta? I don't feel comfortable going alone there at night. Makati? Hmm. I dunno. Speaking of Kiko, I just remembered that I want to take him to school tomorrow because I wanna get shots of the Christmas Lanterns and Twinkly Lights. They're really pretty.

=====

I've had a very interesting week. Actually, the word interesting is a bit of an understatement. It's been very eventful. I've experienced a whirlwind of feelings that I can't even begin to fathom. I've done things that I've never done before without having really concrete explanations as to why I did them. I don't know what kind of person I am turning into. All I know so far is that I have no regrets and I don't think I ever will because I made conscious choices and I am prepared to take full responsibility for them. I think I am mature enough to handle that much at least.

=====

I think I am in a fairly complicated situation right now. I like someone who loves someone else. I can't seem to find the strength to stay away from him because I really, truly like him a lot. Am I in love? Maybe my feelings aren't quite THAT strong yet, I guess, but they could evolve if I don't watch myself. I have to repress my feeling because I know that I am not his kind of girl and if I fall harder for him, it would only hurt so much more. So I'm just being a friend to him. I'm trying not to like him so much. Falling for him would be so easy. It would be exactly as effortless as falling down a cliff. While trying NOT to fall for him is the exact opposite. It's as hard as dragging yourself up a cliff face. So we're just friends. We're VERY weird friends. But still, that's what we are.

=====

I am still very, very bored here at home.

=====

Today is the birthday of one of my exes. I greeted him through a Friendster comment. Even if he didn't greet me on my birthday, I decided that I wouldn't be bitter about it so I wished him a happy birthday. That's when I found out that he has a new girlfriend. Surprisingly, I don't care. I was intrigued, of course. But you know what, it didn't even hurt. I just wish the girl plenty of luck and I sincerely hope that she keeps her sanity intact. I am expressing this with as very little sarcasm as I possibly could. *insert super big smiley here*

=====

I just saw my pre-final grade in International Law. It's good. It could be better but I won't complain anymore. I was hoping to make it to the First Honors Dean's List this term but I guess I can't but if I do well enough on the finals, I might just make it to Second Honors instead. *crosses fingers*

=====

I have long been intending to buy La Salle stickers to put on George. I finally found the time to get some today. The stickers look great on my laptop. I should've gotten them ages ago.

=====

I had dinner at Pizza Hut last night with Kei-An, Gene, and Grace. I'm not really very close with Gene and Grace but the four of us shared a table. They were nice. The Pizza Hut crew was exceptionally slow last night so we got back at them by writing scathing comments on the evaluation sheets. Well, they weren't really scathing, we were just being honest. The Roma Pizza is good, by the way.

=====

*sigh*

2008-12-03T06:34:00.000+08:00

Thesis It!!!

Me and my thesismate, Victoria, are about to defend out thesis at 10am.

I am a nervous wreck right now.

The entire (I am exaggerating just a teeny little bit) Filipino Fellowship of the Vienna Christian Church is interceding for us.

I hope it all works.

I hope I don't get tongue-tied.

I hope my brain doesn't accidentally hibernate.

I hope we pass.

2008-12-01T16:04:00.000+08:00

The name game..

*I got this from a former blockmate of mine. ^^,

1. YOUR REAL NAME:
   Katarina Maria Gracia Antonio.

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of your first name plus izzle)
   Katizzle (that's just weird...)

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color and favorite animal)
   Orange Owl (niiiice :p)

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (your middle name and street you live on)
   Batoon Ignacia (hahaha. ang sagwa..)

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
   Antka (it really does sound out of this world :p)

6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink)
   Red Water (whatdaheck?!)

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your Last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dad's name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name)
   Ataasja (this sounds more Dutch than Iraqi ;p)

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parent's middle names before marriage)
   Pascual Umanos (eh?)

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
     Black Yuri (this sounds more anime than goth ;p)

2008-11-22T20:31:00.002+08:00

Laughter is the best medicine..

* Tawanan na lang natin ang problema. Wala naman kasi mangyayari kung magmumukmok lang tayo.

* I got this post from Patrixia. :)

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days invegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! (there's actually some truth to this)

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.(WAAAHAHAHAH!)

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

2008-11-22T17:26:00.000+08:00

Misunderstanding..

I guess I got it wrong.

We don't have to stop communicating after all.

Thank, God.

It's better this way.

I don't care if he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him.

What matters is that he's there.

I still have my friend.

It's all that matters.

2008-11-22T08:04:00.000+08:00

Bleeding..

My head hurts.

My eyes hurt.

My brain is pounding.

My heart is racing.

I feel cold.

I can't breathe.

Everything hurts.

I can't really give a detailed description of everything that happened last night because, well, that's between him and me. And besides, someone might accidentally come across this blog. She'll probably kill me if she finds out.

I hate goodbyes.

Just when I was getting attached to a person, things take a turn for the worst and we have to stop communicating. The world sucks that way.

I thought I had gained a better outlook on these kinds of things. I thought I was way past all this. But, here I am, hurt. Again.

I am alone and I am scared.

I am scared for him, too. Now that I'm not allowed to talk to him anymore, who's gonna cheer him up when he's sad about her? Who's gonna be his clown?

I have some major readjustments to make.

For the past three weeks or so, the high point of my day was talking to him. He made me happy. He made me forget all my problems. I hope I did the same thing for him as well.

I am gonna miss him so much.

He has been a very good friend to me and that's not something that I am bound to forget anytime soon.

I feel so helpless right now.

Everything sucks and there's nothing I can do about it but accept it.

Right now, the future looks a little bleak to me. Then again, maybe that's because my eyes are clouded with so much tears.

2008-11-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

Someday, my prince will come..

PDA: Public Display of Affection. We all know what this is, right?

PDA-ing couples are the bane of a single person's existence. I guess we're just bitter or whatever but when we see lovey-dovey couples doing mushy gushy stuff to each other, it makes us wanna gag. Which is, you know, terribly hypocritical since we ourselves used to be part of the Public Display of Physical Intimacy club. I guess we just can't bear the sight of happy couples when we're not as blissful as they are. In other words, we envy them.

I mean, seriously, what did I miss? How can they have that kind of relationship when I can't? How are they making it work? All these questions pop into a singleton's mind when he/she sees couples looking goo goo eyes at each other.

I got the inspiration to write this particular blog when I was watching the new Cinderella movie on the Disney Channel. They said a lot of things about loving a person for what he/she really is. Accepting someone despite all the flaws and imperfections, and that kind of stuff.. And that got me thinking..

What am I?

This is not something that I am proud of but I have had two failed relationships in the span of just two years.

What went wrong?

Is it my fault?

Or theirs?

Do I turn into some kind of horrible monster when I fall in love?

And so begins the long-winded rant.

What kind of person do I become when I fall in love?

These are all very mind-boggling questions and just the thought of them makes my head pound so I'm not even gonna attempt to try and answer them.

I realize that this is a very messy blog. My thoughts are incoherent and keep jumping from one point to another.

The short and short of it is..

I have got no point.

The intro is totally unrelated to the conclusion.

But whatever.

This is a free country.

I can write what I want when I want.

So..

Where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself?

Oh, yeah.

Love.

I look around me and I see all these happy couples. I used to be one of them and someday, I am hoping to become one of them again. Happy. And in love. Recently, I just made the decision to let go of a person whom I have loved for the longest time and I think it was one of the best things that I have done recently because it has been healthier for me. Emotionally, at least. But, alas, I have no more outlet for my feelings which is why it's all been backfiring and making me a little berserk. But still. I think I'm better now.

I am the kind of person who loves with all her heart. I think this is what freaked my exes out. I expressed it too much. Or whatever. But isn't that the whole point of loving? Dedicating time and effort to the person who has your heart just to show them how much you love them? I understand that we each have our separate lives but shouldn't a substantial part of this be spent with the object of your affections? That's how I am. I love with all my heart. It's all I know. I never have and never will take anyone for granted. Pag nagmahal ako, isa sha sa mga priority sa buhay ko. Pag nagmahal ako, ipapakita ko talaga sa kanya na importante sha sakin. Pag nagmahal ako, hindi ko sha sasaktan. Pag nagmahal ako, gusto ko lagi shang masaya. Pag, nagmahal ako, totoo. Ayoko ng iwanan. Ayoko ng lokohan.

Is it too much to ask for a guy who would love me the exact same way that I love him? Who would show me the exact same care as I do for him? All I want is someone who will give me a hug when I need one. Someone who will never make me feel that I am worthless. Someone who will not care about distances. Someone who can make me laugh even when the whole world is falling into pieces all around me. Someone who will love me for me despite my imperfections, occasional weirdness, and over-all quirkiness. Someone who will give me flowers for no apparent reason. Someone who will tell me that he loves me just because he wants me to know. Someone who will not get irritated when I'm extra kulit. Someone who wouldn't mind that I'm selosa and who is a little seloso himself. Someone who is a little possessive. Someone who will laugh at my corny jokes. Someone God-fearing. Someone who will be afraid to lose me. Someone who will mean it when he says he will never break my heart.

We all want the same thing, right? The right person. The right moment. I want to be optimistic and believe that someday, everything will fall into place and I will finally be genuinely, truly, happy.

2008-11-18T09:46:00.001+08:00

Next mood swing in five minutes...

I'm so weird.

Di naman dapat problemahin pero lagi ko iniisip.

Tsktsk.

I gotta distract myself.

Gym?

Boxing?

Photography?

Kahit ano.

I gotta stop this before it gets worse.

I so know myself.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

2008-11-18T05:03:00.000+08:00

I can't go back to sleep..

I slept at 1am. exactly 1am. I remember because I was waiting for a friend of mine to log in on ym and decided to give up at around that time 'cause I thought he was asleep already. Anyhoo, I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. Grrr.

Maybe because I'm too hyped up.

I couldn't really say too much here but I am happy.

Tralala.

Thank God. ^^,

2008-11-14T23:25:00.001+08:00

Epiphany...

Emo.

This is exactly what I don't want this blog to sound like but, what with the topic that I have in mind, I guess it's inevitable. Not that a lot of people keep track of the goings on in my life, but for those who do, this shouldn't be too hard to follow. It's a long story and I don't want to go into the whole thing anymore. Just the summary. Bits and pieces that have had a very big impact in my life..

The Incident.

I saw him last Saturday. As usual, just the mere sight of him made my heart skip a few beats. It's pathetic that, after all this time, he still has the same effect on me while I have no effect on him whatsoever anymore. The whole time I was with him, I kept thinking, "Crap, I still love him so much." Everytime our hands would accidentally touch, I would secretly wish that I still had the right to hold his hand. Everytime he and I got close to each other, I would want to reach out and hug him. It killed me that I couldn't.

The Clues.

Seeing him last Saturday was one of the best moments of my 2008. But it was also one of the worst. It hurts when the person that you love doesn't belong to you anymore. It hurts like hell, I can't even begin to describe it. The worst part was, when he was asking me if he should break up with her. I tried to be as objective as I possibly could because all that matters to me is that he is happy. I don't really care if it kills me. When you really, truly love someone the way I love him, you just want what's best for that person.

We said goodbye at the MRT Cubao station. Just like old times. The difference is, when I looked back after we said goodbye, I couldn't see him anymore. He just disappeared in the crowd. Maybe it was an omen.

The Epiphany.

He has broken up with her. And I could see how much it's hurting him. I wonder if he felt the same when he and I broke up. Probably not. It saddens me to think of this but I can't help it. It's what I see. I can see how much he loves her. And it kills me. Again. And again. And again.

I'm tired of dying.

I want to let go.

To finally let go.

After two gruesome years.

It's about time.

The Conclusion.

Once upon a time, I loved a boy. He told me he loved me too. He told me there would come a time when we would have our second chance but I don't think this is ever gonna happen because he never really loved me as much as he loved her. Nafefeel ko, in the end, sila pa rin magkakabalikan. Masakit lang kasi, bakit nung sakin, wala naman ganung effort? I never took him for granted and I never hurt him as much as she did, pero bakit ganun? Kung sino pa yung nakakasakit sa 'yo, yun pa rin ang mahal mo? Ang weird talaga ng buhay.

Sabi ko sa kanya dati, one day I would wake up and realize that I don't have feelings for him anymore.

I think that day is getting nearer and nearer kasi ayoko na ng ganito. Nagpapakaloser lang ako dahil umaasa ako sa wala. Oo na, tanga na ko, kasi ngayon ko lang inamin sa sarili ko yun. Ngayon ko lang tinanggap. Everyone has their limit. I think I'm about to reach mine.

I am giving up on you.

When I would look at him when I thought he wouldn't notice, I would see the boy that I fell in love with two years ago. When I look at him, I see the boy that changed my perspective on life. I would see the boy who used to make me feel special and loved and cared for. But I would also see the boy who broke my heart.

2008-10-07T11:27:00.000+08:00

When Am I Ever Gonna Get Sick of This?

What I'm feeling right now goes beyond words. I cannot express myself properly because it's all so bewildering. So, I borrowed Taylor Swift's words.

Teardrops On My Guitar

[He] looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

That I want and I need everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about

And she's got everything that I have to live without

[He] talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny

That I can't even see anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

[He] walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?

And there he goes, so perfectly,

The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love

Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light

I'll put his picture down and maybe

Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

He's the time taken up, but there's never enough

And he's all that I need to fall into..

[He] looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

* I don't really own a guitar, I don't even know how to play one, but you get the what I mean.

2008-09-12T21:16:00.000+08:00

Bella Cullen and I have the same birthday...

I know I've said this a gazillion times but time really does fly, doesn't it?

It was this exact time last year when my roommate Anna and I were watching Billy Crawford's mini concert in the William Shaw Little Theater.

It was this exact date last year when I thought that bangs might look good on me. (I was very, very wrong about this.)

It's the big 2-0 tomorrow.

I'm still having a little trouble with the fact that, in just a few hours, I will no longer have the right to call myself a teenager.

It's mind-boggling.

At least I learned something relevant in Spanish the other day:

Cumpleaños feliz,

Te deseamos todos

Cumpleaños feliz :)

2008-09-08T19:33:00.000+08:00

I don't want a man...

One of my favorite songs from Disney's Hercules is "I won't say I'm in love" sung by Megara and the muses. I've listened to most of its versions in Japanese, Korean, Thai, Malay, and Mandarin. But my favorites are the French and German versions. In French, it's called "Jamais Je N'avouerai". In German, it's "Ich will keinen Mann". I think the German version is kinda funny when translated in English (literally, that is). I love it.

Ich will Keinen Mann (I don't want a man)

Meg:

Wenn es für Dummheit einen Preis gäb (If there was a prize for idiocy)

würd ich garantiert gewinnen (I'd win it for sure)

Die Herren gehen mir auf die Nerven (Men annoy me)

Das hab ich hinter mir, (I'm over that)

Männer spinnen! (men are mad!)

Muses:

Was willst du verstecken? (What do you want to conceal)

Du bist in den Kerl verschossen! (You've a crush on that guy)

Willst du uns erschrecken (Do you want to scare us)

und ihn von der Kante stoßen? (and turn him down)

Ändere deine Meinung (change your mind)

sonst bist du allein und er ist nicht mehr da! (or else you'll be alone and he'll be gone)

Chorus:

Meg: Oh nein! Niemals! Nie im Leben, nicht so! (Oh, no! Never! No way, not like that!)

Muses: Gib's zu, du schwebst nur auf Wolken (Admit it, you're floating on clouds)

Meg: Kein Liebeskram! (No lovey-dovey!)

Nein, ich will keinen Mann! (No, I don't want a man)

Ich will die Männer nur vergessen (I just want to forget about men)

sonst werd ich's bitter bereuen (or else I'm going to regret it bitterly)

Das ganze ist für mich gegessen! (This kind of thing is past to me!)

sonst werd ich nächtelang nur noch heulen! (otherwise I'd be crying for nights!)

Muses:

Was soll das Gejammer? (What's the point of your lamentation?)

Du willst alles nur verneinen! (You only want to deny everything!)

Das ist doch der Hammer! (That's just about the limit!)

Es gibt für dich noch einen (There's only one [guy] left on your mind)

Sei jetzt mal erwachsen! (Act like a grown-up now!)

Mach jetzt keine Faxen! (Don't be silly now!)

Mädchen, sag, sag, sag doch ja! (Honey, say, say, come on say yes!)

Chorus:

Meg: Oh nein! Niemals! Nie im Lieben nicht so!

Muses: Du wirst schon sehen (You're gonna see)

sag der Liebe Hallo! (say hello to love!)

Meg: Es tut nur weh (it only hurts)

Nein, ich will keinen Mann! (No, I don't want a man!)

Muses: Sei still, du spinnst ja, du willst einen Mann! (Shut up, you're out of your mind, you do want a man!)

Meg: So muss es sein, ich will keinen! (It has to be like that, I don't want a man!)

Lasst mich, allein, ich will keinen! (Leave me alone, I don't want a man!)

Muses: Sieh's endlich ein (Realize it at last)

du bekommst einen Mann (you will get a man)

Meg: Na fein, kann sein (Very well then, that may be true)

außer ihm keinen Mann.. (no man except for him..)

* here's the imeem link if you wanna listen to it:

http://www.imeem.com/otakugurl/music/CPU2g0GM/i_wont_say_im_in_love_german/

2008-09-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

Batangas...

It's been a while since I last went there.

Almost six months, in fact.

I'm going tomorrow because it's my friend's birthday so we're gonna sleep over at her house.

I guess that means I'm gonna board a Batangas Star Express.

Huh.

Flashback.

2008-08-15T20:49:00.001+08:00

It's the geek in me..

I'm supposed to be studying for my EURODEV exam on Tuesday. I've been doing that since this morning and it's really getting to me. So I'll stop for now. I was browsing through old files when I came across a list that I made a few months ago. It's a list of the books that I've read since High School (that's why I didn't include all the Baby Sitters' Club, Goosebumps, Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Sweet Valley High stuff). The one's that I remember anyways. I updated it a little bit so the total's up to a 127 now and I highlighted my favorites. Why did I do this seemingly pointless task, you may ask. You know what, I don't really know why. I just felt like doing it.

(J.K Rowling)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Quidditch Through the Ages

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

(Tamora Pierce)

Alanna: The First Adventure

In the Hand of the Goddess

The Woman Who Rides Like a Man

Lioness Rampant

Wild Magic

Wolf-Speaker

The Emperor Mage

The Realms of the Gods

First

Page

Squire

Lady Knight

Trickster’s Choice

Trickster’s Queen

(Stephenie Meyer)

Twilight

New Moon

Eclipse

Breaking Dawn

(Meg Cabot)

The Princess Diaries

Take Two (aka Princess in the Spotlight)

Third Time Lucky (aka Princess In Love)

Mia Goes Fourth (aka in Waiting)

Give Me Five (aka Princess in Pink)

Sixsational (aka Princess in Training)

Seventh Heaven (aka Party Princess)

After Eight (Princess on the Brink)

Shadowland

Ninth Key

Reunion

Darkest Hour

Haunted

Twilight

All-American Girl

Ready or Not

She Went All the Way

Every Boy’s Got One

(Cathy Hopkins)

Mates, Dates, and Inflatable Bras

Mates, Dates, and Cosmic Kisses

Mates, Dates, and Sleepover Secretes

Mates, Dates, and Sole Survivors

Mates, Dates, and Sequin Smiles

Mates, Dates, and Designer Divas

(Niki Burnham)

Royally Jacked

Spin Control

(Carly Phillips)

The Bachelor

The Playboy

The Heartbreaker

(Louise Rennison)

Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging

On the Bright Side I’m now the Girlfriend of a Sex God

Knocked Out by my Nunga-nungas

Dancing in my Nuddy Pants

Away Laughing on a Fast Camel

Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers

Startled by His Furry Shorts

Love is a Many Trousered Thing

(Lemony Snickett)

The Bad Beginning

The Reptile Room

The Wide Window

(Jessica Zafra)

Manananggal Terrorizes Manila and Other Short Stories

Womenagerie and Other Tales from the Front

Twisted

Twisted II: Spawn of the Twisted

Planet of the Twisted

Twisted IV

Twisted V

Twisted 6

Tw7sted

Twisted 8: Night of the Living Twisted

Twisted Flicks

(Bob Ong)

ABNKKBSBPLko!

Bakit Baligtad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino

Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas

(Nicholas Sparks)

A Walk to Remember

Message in a Bottle

The Notebook

(Cecelia Ahern)

P.S, I Love You

Rosie Dunne

(Dan Brown)

The DaVinci Code

Angels and Demons

(Paulo Coelho)

Eleven Minutes

The Fifth Mountain

The Alchemist

(Chinie Hidalgo)

The Blair Bitch Project: A Book of Bitchy Poetry

The Blair Bitch Bounces Back

Who Stole my Magic? (The Smart Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Breakup) by Jenny Manuel

Vince’s Life by Vince O. Teves

No Boyfriend Since Birth by Claire Betita

Wander Girl by Tweet Sering

Mr. Write by M.D Balangue

Almost Married by Tara F.T Sering

The Breakup Diaries by Maya Calica

Drama Queen by Abi Aquino

Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

Song of the Wanderer by Bruce Coville

The King of Torts by John Grisham

Una and Miguel by Lilideshan Bose

The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger

The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin

Julie and Romeo by Jeanne Ray

The House with a Clock in its Walls by John Bellairs

The Nanny (I forgot the author and it’s too obscure to search for in the net)

King Dork by Frank Portman

The Christmas Party by Janelle Dennison

Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah

My Brother, My Executioner by F. Sionil Jose

Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Lucia Lucia by Adriana Trigiani

Just Friends by Robyn Sisman

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus

Exit to Eden by Anne Rice

The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole by Sue Townsend

Lies my Yaya Should Have Told Me by RJ Ledesma

You Suck by Christopher Moore

Al Capone Does My Shirts by Gennifer Choldenko

2008-08-09T16:08:00.000+08:00

Breaking Dawn

Breaking Dawn is the fourth and final installment of Stephenie Meyer's internationally best-selling saga, Twilight. It is the conclusion of the un-freaking-believable love story between the impossibly gorgeous vampire Edward Cullen and the somewhat plain yet extraordinary human Bella Swan.

I love the Twilight books so much that I had a hard time accepting that their story has finally come to a close. Stephenie Meyer's characters are so lovable and quirky and their story so deeply engrossing which is why I had a hard time accepting that it has ended. Although I did like ending. It was just right. The whole book was just right. Some might say that the twists are too absurd but I don't care. Meyer's a gifted writer who has the ability to make you feel whatever her characters are feeling whether it's euphoria or tension or whatever. Breaking Dawn is awesome. It really is. It is the best book that I have ever read so far. I guess I'm a bit biased because I'm a huge fan but I really recommend that you read this. Read it read it read it.

I can't wait for Midnight Sun.

2008-07-10T19:13:00.000+08:00

Uncensored

Birthday niya bukas.
To greet or not to greet?
That is the question.
Wala naman masama diba?
Iggreet lang naman eh.

Whew.

Malapit na mag August.
I know for a fact na one year na sila next month.

Shit.

Mahirap hindi mainggit.
Why?
Because she has the only boy that I have ever loved THAT MUCH.
He belongs to her and her to him.
It can't get any better than that, can it?

Taena.

Mahigit one year na di pa rin ako nakaka move on.
Ano ba, exag na 'to.
Much as I'd like to forget you, I can't because you have made yourself unforgettable.

Leche.

Di kita minumura ha?
I'm just cursing the circumstances.
Life is so effing unfair.
Mahal na mahal kita. Sabi mo mahal mo pa rin ako. Pero mahal mo din sha at mahal ka din niya.
Magkalayo tayo. Magkalapit kayo.
Ang daya.

Pakshet.

Well, at least you're happy.
I don't wanna sound like an effing martyr but if you're happy, I'm happy.

Darn it.

But I can't help but wish for a second chance.
I wish I could be the one who makes you smile.
I wish I could be the person whose shoulders you cry on.
I wish I could be the one who makes you laugh.
I wish I could be the person with whom you share your fears, dreams, and aspirations with.
Sana ako na lang. Ako na lang ulit. (One More Chance ito?! hahaha.)

Damn.

I miss you so much.
Much as I hate it, you're permanently lodged in the recesses of my very twisted mind.
Kung kaya ko lang, matagal na kita kinalimutan.
You think I like pining for you like this?
Hell no.
Ang hirap kaya.
Oh, well.
C'est la vie, right?
It sucks but that's just the way it is.

Happy Birthday Moo.
Hope you have a good one.

2008-07-05T19:46:00.000+08:00

When things get serious..

Stress is getting to me.
It has managed to seep in every nook and cranny in my brain and is now inundating every fiber of my being.
I am this close to freaking out.
Which only means one thing: it’s midterm week at my school.

I’m not what you’d call diligent when it comes to my studies. I just listen well in class lectures so I usually have an idea what’s going on around me, but I’m not fond of doing extra class work when I don’t have to. I’m the kind of person that does her homework a few hours before it’s due and studies for an exam about a day before I’m scheduled to take it. I don’t do advanced studying. I just don’t see the point. It has always worked for me because I’ve managed to not fail any major subjects in my course now, have I?

But I can’t be like that anymore. If I want to graduate by June 2009, I have to exert extra effort because my old study habits won’t work for the subjects that I’m taking this term. I have to really, truly study hard, which is why you can find me spending and inordinate amount of time in the school library or in the one of the conservatories. I started studying for the midterms two weeks ago but I’m still not sure if I’m adequately prepared for it. I don’t wanna fail anything so I’m pushing myself to study hard even if I don’t feel like it. Just a few more months and I’ll graduate and I’ll finally be done with all of this. I can hardly wait. I wanna do something useful for my mom and dad and brother like working to earn money. I hate being stuck in school. Don’t get me wrong, I love my school and all but I just wanna finish my studies. Let’s just get it all over with.

I am looking forward to graduating because it will bring me closer to finally moving to where my family is. I’ve never really looked forward much to moving to Europe because I know that I will terribly miss the Philippines and everyone that I’m going to be leave behind. But certain events have made me change my mind. I am now eager to leave. I know I’m still going to miss all my friends and my family here when I leave but there are certain memories that I’m keen to move away from. Besides, I’m sick of living by myself here in Manila. It gets really lonely.

I’m pushing myself to study so I can leave as soon as possible. It’s as simple as that. Who cares about stress when I have much better things waiting for me as a prize, right? I may not be fond of studying but I’m doing it as well as I can because I am a person with big dreams and high aspirations. I’m not about to let a little thing like lack of sleep to get in the way of my future.

2008-06-29T14:22:00.000+08:00

Say What?

I seem to have developed some sort of addiction to songs that I can't understand. I suppose this all started when I was in high school. Remember that whole F4 mania? Me and my friends were not exempted from it. Were were HUGE F4 fans. We knew all the songs (even if they were all in Mandarin), we had posters (jologs, i know, but, hey cut us some slack, we were kids), and we watched Meteor Garden faithfully. The fanaticism eventually waned as we grew up. Plus Meteor Garden 2 sucked, in my opinion.

When I was in my junior year in college, one of my classmates found out that I'm a big fan of Disney cartoons. So she gave me copies of Disney soundtracks in French and in Spanish. I love listening to it even if I don't understand most of it.

A few weeks ago, one of my roommates brought home a copy of the Taiwanese version of Hana Kimi. I absolutely loved it. I now have this huge crush on Jiro Wang and I am hooked on their Taiwanese boyband, Farenheit. The girl who plays Rui Xi (Joey) in the series has a girl band called S.H.E and I tried listening to their songs and I really liked them, too even if my Mandarin vocabulary only consists of five word, more or less. I guess Farenheit and S.H.E are super famous in Taiwan because they have a lot of collaborations and stuff. Their music videos are so cute. Some of my favorites are: Zen Me Ban, Wo You Wo De Young, Xin Wo, and Xie Xie Ni De Wen Rou (I hope I spelled them all correctly).

Another song that I love but I can't understand is Utada Hikaru's First Love. This one's in Japanese but some of the words are in English.

A lot of these songs are totally incomprehensible to me (except the ones in Spanish which I can kind of understand) but I really like listening to them because foreign languages really fascinate me. I'd really like to learn as many languages as my brain is capable of.

2008-06-11T09:41:00.000+08:00

of cows and bumblebees..

I miss him so much. It's so weird. He's all I ever think about. He runs through my mind from the moment I wake up, up until before my eyes close at the end of the day. It's so frustrating because I can't even cry about him anymore. It's not entirely reasonable to cry over something that ended about a year and a half ago.

I thought I was over him. I thought I had finally let go. I managed to delude myself into thinking that I don't feel anything for him anymore. I mean, I had a boyfriend after him, didn't I? I had a "bee". Please don't think that I am a horrible person because, in my defense, I really did love my "bee". I forgot all about "moo" when I was with "bee" because I thought that I had finally found someone who would replace "moo" and be able to make me feel that I was loved and cared for. I was happy with my "bee". He was sweet and caring and funny at first. But he began to change after a while (just like the rest of them). I started feeling neglected and unhappy. I tried my best to make it work between him and me but in the end, I realized that he wasn't happy with me anymore, he didn't care anymore. So I ended it.

I DID NOT end it because I still have feelings for "moo". That wasn't the reason. My feelings for my "bee" overshadowed what I felt for "moo" but I guess it was always just there, biding its time, just waiting for the moment when it can resurface again. And it has resurfaced. With a firggin' vengeance, I must add.

You'd think that I'd miss my "bee" because he's supposed to be my latest heartache (and I do think about him every now and then) but I don't miss him as much as I miss "moo". Not even close. No one compares to "moo". As cheesy and corny as this might sound, he's my "great love" and, to borrow his words, great loves will never be forgotten. No matter how much you try. He's made such a big impact in my life that it would be impossible to get rid of the traces no matter how much time passes. There's this thing that Edward said to Bella after they came home from Italy and I think it encapsulates what I feel for "moo". I don't remember the exact words but it's something like this: ..before you, my life was like a moonless night but there were stars, lots and lots of stars. When you came into my life, you were like a meteor. You brightness lit up my sky. My eyes have been blinded by the brightness. After you were gone, I can't even see the stars anymore.. or something to that effect.

"Moo" will always be my point of comparison. Not that I want to compare, I just do it subconsciously. He's my dream guy. He always has been and he always will be. His girlfriend is so lucky. She better take good care of him because if I come across a second chance between him and me, I'm not gonna let it pass this time.

2008-04-23T13:58:00.000+08:00

Buhay Europa..

7:15 am ngayon dito.

Sabi sa TV, 9°C daw ang temperature ngayong umaga. Maximum na ang 14°C hanggang mamayang gabi.

Di ka pwedeng lumabas ng bahay na dalawang patong lang ang suot. Tinry ko kahapon, naiyak ako sa sobrang lamig. So bumalik ako ng bahay at nagdagdag ng dalawang patong. Di ka masyadong makakagalaw pero at least di ka naginginig sa lamig.

Masarap ang food dito. Binigyan ako ng dad ko ng 5 euros na baon kahapon. Naubos lang sa käse krainer at knabber nossi.

Ang tatangkad ng mga Austrian. Nanliliit ako. Literally. May nakasabay ako sa bus, hanggang bewang lang niya ko. Hindi pa siya naka stand upright nung lagay na yun. No kidding. Kung sa Filipino standards eh considered as abnormally short na ko for my age, pano pa kaya dito? ;p
Artistahin ang mga tao dito. Normal lang sa kanila yun, I guess. Sa atin kasi, pag matangos ka, maputi, at matangkad, more often than not, eh considered as maganda/gwapo ka diba? Halos lahat sila dito ganun.

Mejo nabobore ako pag pumapasok sa work ang parents ko at nasa school si Joshua dahil walang masayadong magawa dito sa bahay. Pwede naman ako manood ng TV pero di ko naiintindihan dahil naka dub sa German halos lahat (except CNN, BBC World at MTV). Pati spongebob squarepants (spongebob schwamkopf ang tawag sa kanya dito which means spongbob sponge head pag tinranslate at ang pangalan ni squidward eh hindi squidward kundi thaddeus..ang weird noh?).

Nakakapag German naman ako pero konti lang. As in konti. Alam ko mag greet ng tao (Grüß gott!); alam ko bumili ng pagkain, alam ko ipakilala sarili ko; alam ko din kung pano sabihing "laging mabilis magturo ang Math teacher ko kaya hindi ko naiintindihan yung lesson".

Madaming Pinoy dito. Kahit san naman madami talaga tayo diba? So hindi na ko masyadong na hohome sick. Eto siguro ang first time na nagpunta ko sa Europe na hindi ako na homesick.

Masaya dito. Di lang dahil malamig, masarap ang food, at nakaktuwang tignan ang mga tao. Masaya dito dahil nandito ang family ko. Sa inyo siguro normal lang na gumising sa umaga at makita ang buong family niyo bago sila pumasok sa work o sa school. Sakin bihira mangyari yun. Paminsan minsan ko lang din naihahatid sa school ang kapatid ko. Kahit di na niya kailangan dahil malaki na siya, gusto ko pa din gawin kasi parang bonding time na din namin yun. Ayoko na bumalik ng Pilipinas. Kung pwede lang eh bakit hindi diba? Kaso bayad na tuition fee ko. Haha. Sayang naman diba? Tsaka one year na lang titiisin ko bago ko magstay dito for good. Konti na lang yun.

For now, enjoy na lang muna ng vacation. I hope you're having a good one, too.

2008-04-17T17:13:00.000+08:00

It's a good thing I was wrong..

I can't waste time by moping around anymore. Misery sucks so, from now on, I'll just concentrate on the things that make me happy.

The Austrian Embassy finally decided to grant me my visa so I'm leaving on Monday at 12:20 a.m. I am so looking forward to this trip because I miss my family so much. I haven't seen my mom and my brother for two years and my dad for four months. Another reason why I'm psyched about this trip is that my parents promised to take me to Italy, Hungary, and Germany this year. If we have time, I might get to see France and Greece as well. As a European Studies major, I'm really interested in visiting the places that we've been discussing inside the classroom plus I really love to travel plus plus it's cold there. Right now, I'm so busy shopping for pasalubong, making last minute arrangements, organizing my luggage (it's the O.C in me, I can't help it), blahblahblah that I barely have time for much else (I just took a break to check my mail and got sidetracked by my blog and stepheniemeyer.com).

My braces have finally been taken off (after four years). I'm not really too happy about this because I like my braces but I just felt like sharing the info. Hehe.

My third term grades are also a cause of happiness for me right now because they are much better than I expected. I'm quite happy with my grades. (word of advice: as much as possible, don't break up with anyone on finals week because it will drive you nuts. Take my word for it.).

I thought this was going to be a really awful summer. It turns out I was wrong. Thank God for that.

2008-04-10T20:21:00.000+08:00

Break-up Notes

Break ups are never easy. No matter how many times I try to delude myself into thinking that I’m glad that it’s over, it never works. I can’t help but feel bad about it (as any normal person should, I guess). I’m trying my best to act all normal and happy. Most of the time, it works. But there are moments all throughout the day when I just stop in the middle of whatever I’m doing (be it homework, chores, walking down the street, reporting in front of the whole class, and other stuff like that) and try to suppress the hollow feeling inside my chest. I wake up in the morning hoping to feel better and then I remember that sickening empty feeling again and my day goes off to a bad start. And then there are the memories. You know when you see a particular object or walk past a particular place and it just strongly reminds you of that particular person? Yeah, I have that right now. It seems silly for my eyes to well up at the sight of a Batangas Star Express bus, but they do. I’m a very emotional person and the smallest things could trigger my tear ducts. Which is stupid, I know, but I can’t help it. That’s just the way I am. I easily get attached to people so when the time to let go comes, I find it very hard to say goodbye. This most recent heartache is the least of my problems, really, but it’s the one that bugs me the most. I’m facing so many more pressing problems right now and I just want to let go of the grief. I’m so tired of crying and feeling bad already. It’s just got to stop.

Being the moody person that I am, I can swing from pessimism to optimism in the drop of the hat. Either I’m completely losing it (again) or I’ve developed a mild case of bipolar disorder. I suppose there is a bright side to all this. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? I certainly hope so.

I can't stop listening to this song. I'm addicted.

Forget About Me (Lil Bit)

You said, it wasn't gonna be like it was before.
Then it happened again.
Pushing me back out the door.
Thought it would be for real this time.
Love made me forget about the signs.
So now what do i do?
Now that I know that we're through.

Refrain:
Wish that I could move on
Can't let go, it's too strong
Just like that and then you're gone
If this how you want it to be?
Everything you had to say
Sent the tears right down my face
Now I'm trying to escape
The misery

Chorus:
Why don't you love me?
The way I'd loved you
It feels so crazy
'Coz I don't know what I did to you
If you're gonna hurt me
Then do it quickly
'Coz I'm tired of cryin'
If you don't wanna stick around
Then, baby forget about me.

Too late, sorry.
I didn't have the chance
You said you were happy
Baby, I don't understand
Gave you everything you asked for
And was ready to give you a lot more
I would've given you the world
Right in the palm of your hand.

Refrain

Chorus

Boy, my heart was true
And that you can't deny
Don't be a fool
And walk away from all the lies
It's up to you
'Coz heaven knows I've tried
Tell me you're still in love.

Chorus

Forget about me
I really love you.

2008-03-26T10:30:00.000+08:00

BREAKDOWN

"You look like crap.."

That was how one of my friends greeted me when I walked into class yesterday. It's not exactly something that one wants to hear often but that's what I like about friends: they're tactlessly honest. And they're very much concerned with you mental state/well-being so her next line was:

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

That's another thing about good friends. They can tell when something's bugging you. Although I said thanks but no thanks to her, I appreciate the gesture. Everyone's been on my back about this. Apparently, they're not used to me being unnaturally quiet and staring off into space whenever I get the chance. It's not like i'm doing it on purpose. I just have a lot on my mind right now. And they're things beyond the realm of my comprehension so I'm especially confused and frustrated. My preoccupation is centered around one person in particular and it doesn't take a genius to figure out who I'm talking about.

It's just that...I was (actually still am) under the impression that when you are important to someone, that person makes effort to make sure that you're ok, see how you're doing, and stuff like that. A person who truly loves you is sensitive to your feelings. When he knows that you are the kind of person who worries a lot, he makes constant reassurances that everything's alright, that he's safe whereveer he is, and so on. A person who loves you would not consciously hurt your feelings. A person who genuinely cares about you will find ways to communicate with you even under near impossible circumstances. It's what I'd do anyways. And I'm under the impression that that's the way things ought to be. I didn't get that wrong did I?

That's another thing...All these has led me to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Am I starting to bug him with my constant text messaging and calls? It's just that communication is one of the most vital components of a long distance relationship. We only get to see each other, like, once a month, shouldn't we compensate for our not being together by at least updating each other about the things that are happening to us or something like that? I know what I'm talking about, I swear. I'm not exactly a neophtye in long distance relationships, am I?

I'm just so frustrated. I mean, how would you feel if your boyfriend only texts you like once-thrice a day? Not good, that's for sure. How would you feel if your boyfriend didn't take your calls? Because, according to him, he doesn't have his phone with him. How do you even interpret the fact that he hasn't had his phone with him for, like, two days now? When he very well knows that you are going apeshit with worry. Apeshit doesn't even begin to cover what I'm feeling right now.

I'm worried and I'm scared. I feel like I'm not important to him anymore. I feel like crap. I feel like he's always finding excuses not to talk to me. I wish he'd tell me if he had some sort of problem or whatever. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm so effing tired of being patient. I'm so sick of having to check my phone every so often only to find out that, no, he can't spare me five minutes of his precious time. My stomach feels like it's hollow and I feel like there's something heavy pressing down on my chest. I can't breathe properly even I'm not having an asthma attack. I'm tired of crying when I don't even know what's there to cry about. I'm just not emotionally equipped to handle something like this.

Someone sent me a quote a long time ago, I don't even remember who but a part of it goes like this: "..one of the most painful things is having to doubt something that you thought you were so sure of.." or something to that effect. If he really loves me, then why is he taking me for granted? If he really cares about me then why is he treating me like this?

I'm so effing lost.

2008-02-29T20:45:00.000+08:00

Musings..

December 1, 2007: Bugoy asked me to be his girlfriend. You all know I said yes. Fast forward to three months later and here we are, still together. And still very much in love. I know I am. And I can say with a fair amount of confidence that he is, too. We all know this hackneyed expression, say it with me, "time flies...". It really does, doesn't it? A year ago I was a miserable wreck who wished for nothing but to have my life taken away from me because I was experiencing an unbearabel kind of pain. But here I am now, perfectly content and happy and looking forward to waking up every day not knowing what to expect but very much ok with it because I have Bugoy. Of course, our relationship is not perfect. Far from it, actually but that's normal. We have our ups and downs like your everyday average couple. But the way I feel about him is far from average. Sometimes, I worry that I'm showing too much emotion and I'm scared that it might freak him out but he's been very patient with me so far. I've had to do a lot of thinking lately and I've come to the realization that he's the one I want. No one else but him. There's no doubt about that now. Despite the fact that I've shed quite a lot of tears (not a big deal I guess 'cause I'm such an effing cry baby), I'm happy. I'm genuinely happy and it feels good. I owe a lot of it to Bugoy. He makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel loved and wanted. He makes me laugh. He brings out the mature person in me. He makes me want to be a better person. I just hope he's as happy as I am.

Listen to me (or read me, whatever), I'm being keso. Haha. Sorry, it's just nice to be able to talk about what I'm feeling. It makes me feel less burdened by my thoughts, I guess..

Anways, here's wishing my baby Bugoy an advance happy 3rd monthsary and may we have many, many, many, many, many more monthsaries to come...

I love you, bee.. ;)

2008-02-18T15:29:00.001+08:00

Cheeseburger in a Can...

I kid you not..

Here's the link for the site if you wanna find out more: http://gizmodo.com/350091/cheeseburger-in-a-can-is-both-the-best-and-worst-thing-ive-ever-seen/?noc=true
The author of the site is right, the idea of a canned cheeseburger is both appaling ang amazing. It's more of the former for me because I stay at a dorm where cooking is not allowed so my roommates and I are subsisting on canned food. The thought of a cheeseburger in a can gives me goosebumps.

=====

I miss Bugoy so much. He's been sick for the past few days so we haven't been texting much. Can't really blame him. I wouldn't be able to text if i were in that condition as well. It's times like this, more than ever, that I wish Batangas wasn't so far away so I could go visit him. You have no idea how frustrating it is.

=====

Midterms na.

Aaaaargh.

2008-01-27T13:52:00.000+08:00

Cheesecake PART II

This song used to make me cringe. But now that I can relate, I really really like it. I know it's cheesy and all that but i think it's kinda sweet:

di ko maintindihan ang nilalaman ng puso

tuwing magkahawak ang ating kamay

pinapanalangin lagi tayong magkasama

hinihiling bawat oras kapiling ka

sa lahat ng aking gingawa

ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta

sana'y di na tayo magkahiwalay

kahit kailan pa man

ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal

ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam

makapiling ka habang buhay

ikaw lamang sinta

wala na akong hihingin pa

wala na

ayoko nang maulit paang nakaraang ayaw nang maalala

bawat oras na wala ka parang mabigat na parusa

at huwag mong kakalimutan na kahit nag iba di ako tumigil magmahal sa'yo sinta

sa lahat ng aking gingawa ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta

sana'y di na tayo magkahiwalay kahit kailan pa man

ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal

ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam

makapiling ka habang buhay

ikaw lamang sinta

wala na akong hihingin pa

wala na......

Wheee. Nababaduyan ka noh? Like I said, I don't care. Haha. It's a free country, dude, I can post whatever I want. It's my blog after all. Haha.

Ehem...

I love you Bugoy. ^^,

2008-01-10T11:34:00.000+08:00

Wheeeee ^^,

I'm leaving for Hong Kong at 7:25 pm today with my Tita Digs and my cousins Borgy and James. I can barely contain my excitement. The only other Asian country that I've been to is Bangkok and I only got to see the airport so I'm not sure if that really counts.

I'm especially excited about going to Disneyland. I've always dreamt of visiting that place since I was a kid and now that that wish is about to be fulfilled, I'm ecstatic. I'm the kind of person who is scared witless by the thought of ghosts, snakes, and flying ipis. I guess you can call me duwag (like my boyfriend has done A LOT) but when it comes to adrenaline rush-inducing carnival rides, I'm game. Sure, you can't get me to watch "Patayin sa Sindak si Barbara" all by myself (or at all, for that matter) but you can make me ride the Space Shuttle in Enchanted Kingdom in a heartbeat (over and over and over and over again).

I'm also really psyched about going to ocean park because they have a theme park there, too. There's this one ride that I'm really itching to try: The Abyss turbo drop. According to the ocean park website, it raises you up and it drops you straight down in free fall. It's total height is 185 feet (about 20 floors). It's my kind of ride. And, of course, they have rollercoasters which, as you probably can tell, I absolutely love.

This promises to be an awesome trip. Looks like I'll have plenty of kwento when I get back. 'Til then. Ciao for now.

2008-01-01T13:58:00.000+08:00

The 1st

My year 2007 was off to a crappy start. If you know me well, you'll know why. I spent most of the year moping, griping, grumbling, blahblahblah. In other words, I almost ruined the whole year by being every single version of surly that I can think of. Good thing my 2007 wasn't completely wasted 'cause during the latter part of the year, I did some growing up and managed to let go of most of my grudges and learned to accept that some things are just beyond the scope of my control.

And then of course Bugoy came and brightened up my life again. He made everything better. He made me smile (not the pained, seemingly constipated, “pilit” kind of smile that I had gotten so accustomed to but the genuine “i -can't-stop-smilng-cause-i'm-so-effing-happy smile). I fell in love just when I thought I'd never feel that way again. Mushy, I know, but whatever. I'm so thankful that he came into my life because in him, I found not only a good boyfriend, but also a best friend: he's my confidante, my one-man cheering squad when I need encouragement, my clown, my shoulder to cry on ('cause I'm such a big crybaby), my caffeine (he keeps me awake when I have a lot of studying to do), my favorite pillow (I love the fact that he's so huggable), my kakulitan whenever I feel extra hyper...He means so much to me. He makes me feel loved, wanted, and accepted for who I am so I feel comfortable with him 'cause I can just be me. He is one of if not the best gift that God gave me in 2007 and I hope I get to keep him forever.

Thanks for everything, bee. I love you.

Happy new year and happy 1st monthsary.

2007-12-22T17:14:00.000+08:00

My Bee and his Family

I met Bugoy’s family today. At first I was really anxious because this is the first time that a boyfriend has introduced me to his whole family so I was really scared that they might not like me or something like that but all my worries were in vain because Bugoy’s family is really, really nice. They are all very bubbly and friendly and not at all “nakaka-O.P” like I feared they would be. His eldest ate even bought me a Spongebob stuffed toy! How nice is that? Very.

We had lunch at the Grilla in Promenade and his family asked me some questions about myself and about me and Bugoy and we talked about some other stuff as well. I really had a lot of fun.

The best part of today was, of course, getting to see Bugoy. The thing with long distance relationships is that you don’t get to see each other as often as you’d like to so you have to make the most out of every moment that you’re together. He and I didn’t chatter much because we do that all the time over the phone and the internet but that’s ok, I was really contented with hugging him and holding his hand, you know, the kinds of things that we don’t usually get to do. I miss him already. I started missing him as soon as they dropped me off here at the dorm. I’m so looking forward to the day when he and I don’t have to be too far apart from each other.

He gave me a ring today. It’s never gonna leave my finger.

I’m so happy. I mean really, really, really happy. Thank you, Bugoy, for being the reason.

I love you so much, bee!

2007-12-11T18:43:00.001+08:00

Twilight

It was love at first sight with this book. I went to the Powerbooks store in MOA to buy a gift for a friend. I was browsing through the Young Adult section when the cover of one particular book caught my eye: a vividly red apple resting on some of the palest hands that I ever laid eyes on. It's called Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I just had to pick it up. I read the blurb at the back and it made me really want to read the book. It's about a girl who falls head over heels in love with an impossibly gorgeous vampire who is after her blood. I just HAD to read it. But I had to let go of the book because I only brought enough money to buy my present. The really weird thing about me is that I get what I'd like to call "book cravings". I simply would not rest until I read the book that I'm craving for, so to speak. So I returned to MOA the next day and bought Twilight. I finished it in 2 days. It is one of the most compelling books that I have ever read. It is now my favorite love story. Next to A Walk to Remember, of course. I love books. I really, really like to read so I've read quite a lot of books but very few of them have had this kind of effect on me. I really, really recommend that you read it. You won't regret it, I promise! Next agenda, hunt for a copy of the sequel, New Moon (After all my final exams, that is). If you happen to spot a copy anywhere, please tell me.

2007-12-05T10:39:00.000+08:00

Sabaw Blog

It’s pre-hell week at DLSU-M.
Less than two weeks of school left so we’re cramming in as much work as possible.
Everything is just so crazy.
I have so much to do that it’s hard to decide where to start.
Kaya magbblog muna ko. Hehehe.
Konting tiis na lang matatapos din ‘to.
Isipin ko na lang, kailangan mag exert ng effort para naman di aku luluha sa course card day diba.
Buti na lang inspired ako ngayon.
Yiheee.

^_^

To all my fellow LaSallians, Godspeed. Malapit na termbreak! Yey!

2007-12-03T17:17:00.000+08:00

Finally

After 11 months of relentless “pagmumukmok”, I am happy again. Really, truly, genuinely, walking on air happy.

Despite the fact that I’ve practically sworn off men since my last ex broke up me, I found myself unexpectedly falling for someone and guess what? He’s my boyfriend now!

December 1, 2007: I officially became Bugoy’s girlfriend. And I am so effing happy that I could just cry. So happy. Since January 2007, I never thought I’d fall in love again but there you go. I am so in love and I am so happy. This is the best feeling in the world.

Out of all the guys who courted me, Bugoy was the only who managed to prove that he’s dead serious with me. Not that the others didn’t try but Bugoy is the only one that I really feel comfortable with. He’s funny. He’s really sweet. He’s thoughtful. He’s kind and caring. And it also doesn’t hurt to mention that he’s cute. Hehe. He’s sensitive to my feelings and he makes me feel special and loved. I haven’t felt like that since who knows when. I am just sooooo happy. Thank you, Bugoy, for making me feel this way. You are truly a blessing and I hope I get to keep you forever.

To my last ex. You know who you are. I have no idea if you know how much you hurt me but I just want you to know that I learned a lot because of you. So, despite everything, I’m still somehow thankful for you. I’m finally moving on and I can finally be happy for you. I hope this is the last time that I will ever mention you. I wish you all the best.

To my Hubby:

Thank you for making me happy. You really are my guardian angel. I’m looking forward to making this work with you. I love you.

2007-10-20T10:19:00.000+08:00

Mga bagay bagay na walang kinalaman sa isa't isa..

It's common knowledge that I easily get bored which is why I almost never stay put in one place. I guess that's why I got some messages and a call yesterday from people who wanted to make sure that I wasn't in Glorietta2 when the explosion happened. Thank God I wasn't and nobody that I know got hurt. Thanks for the concern.

= = = = =

Two new discoveries:

Starbucks' green tea and berry cheesecake (it kinda sounds weird but it's really, really, really good, i promise..)

Cerealicious' Pirates of the Cadbury Fan (may cerealicious pala sa animo noh? i just found out the other day..hehe..)

= = = = =

International chismis:

A female politician in Germany is thinking of passing some law wherein all marriage contracts wil expire every seven years. Those who wish to renew their contracts may do so but those who have had it with their spouses may opt not to renew. She's proposing it as an alternative to divorce, I think.

What will they come up with next?

= = = = =

I hate getting sick. Sore throat. Cough. Colds. Headache. What's even suckier is that I can't take medicines because I'm allergic. Everytime I tell people this, they seem startled. I used to think it was a common allergy but I guess it's not. Erm. Is it? I'm not sure. I only know one other person who has the same allergies as me. Don't ask who.

= = = = =

Midterms na! Let's not forget Sir Pedro's (POLIGOV) reminder before exams:

"You may look upwards in contemplation, downwards in consternation, but never sidewards in desperation.."

Haha.

Happy exam week, fellow LaSallians.. ^^,

2007-10-18T19:33:00.000+08:00

Cheesecake..

I'm busy again.
Yey!
I like it this way.
Especially since Oct. 21 is looming nearer and nearer.
Followed, of course by Oct. 22-24.
It's times like this when I sincerely wish that I didn't have such a good photographic memory.
I'd really rather not remember but I can't help it.
Memories are haunting me not only when I'm awake but they've actually started penetrating my dreams.
One whole week of dreaming about someone that I don't even wanna dream about anymore.
Hirap na hirap na ko.
Di ko na alam gagawin ko.
I'm so effing lost.
Bakit parang lahat ng tao sa paligid ko masaya?
Am I missing something here?
I guess I was absent when they taught the formula for happiness in school.
I'm trying my best to be happy.
Really.
Ayoko na.
Pagod na pagod na ko.
Gusto ko na din maging masaya.
Ang tanong..
Pano ba?

2007-10-16T12:12:00.000+08:00

Tooooot..

I’m bored.
Again.
I don’t have PHILFOR today so I only have Spanish which won’t start until 2:40.
I’ve done all my homework.
Did as much advanced reading as I can.
Organized photos.
Organized my closet.
Cleaned up a little bit.
Sorted the messages in my phone.
I’ve got nothing else to do.

= = = = =

Ayaw mag upload ng pics sa multiply at sa friendster.
Bakit ganun?

= = = = =

I went to Tagaytay and Los Banos with my aunts, uncles, and cousins last Friday.
It was fun.
Although when we stopped right outside the Makiling Botanical Gardens, I almost had a heart attack.
Dammit.

Checked out Ayala Greenfield Estates because my unlce's wife's brother (figure it out..nyahaha) just bought 700 square meters of property there.

It's really, really, really nice.

I especially liked the infinity pool.

And the view is awesome.

At 1 million pesos per 100 square meters dapat lang nice sha diba.

Hehe.

= = = = =

Spent most of Saturday and Sunday in Pampanga because it was Ate Camille’s birthday.
The resort that they rented was really nice.
I’ll post pics on multiply as soon as I can upload.
Great food.
Kare-kare, sugpo, caldereta, roast beef, crabs, chicken bbq, etc, etc..
Yummmmm.

= = = = =

Shempre kung san san nanaman aku nakakarating ng di alam sa bahay namin diba.

Di naman kasi nila tinatanong kung nasan aku, so I didn't bother telling them.

= = = = =

Nakakaaliw magdrive si Yasmeen.
Parang nasa roller coaster lang kami.

= = = = =

Ang boring dito.
I wanna go home.

2007-10-11T23:05:00.000+08:00

Animo Overload...

We’re back. We’re one. WE’RE NUMBER ONE.

Today, classes from 4 pm onwards were cancelled to give way to what turned out to be one of the most kick ass victory parties ever. It was hard not to get caught up in the unabashed display of LaSallian pride what with my schoolmates donning outfits in the official school colors of green and white; and green and white balloons, DLSU clappers, and DLSU bandanas being waved all over the place. There was a thanksgiving mass. There was free-flowing food (although my friends and I weren’t able to eat because there were just too many people, I saw banners from Lydia’s Lechon, Krispy Kreme, Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen, Taco Bell, and so on). There was a parade of athletes; a program hosted by Iya Villania, Sharon Yu, and some alumni; and a culminating concert. I didn’t spot a single frown in the crowd, everybody was just so happy. Which is what winning a men’s basketball championship does to people, I suppose. Wuhooooo!

= = = = =

Here are just some of the highlights of today’s activities:

The Gary V song (could someone who was there please tell me what the title of that song is? It’s really nice.)
LSDC Street’s first dance (Again, could someone give me the title of that song?)
Ty Tang’s speech
Coach Franz Pumaren, Rico Maierhofer, and Cholo Villanueva dancing on stage (I just realized that Villanueva is much cuter in person than he is on TV..hehe..)
The whole LaSallian community being told what “o-omegahin” means
Simon Atkins’s shirt almost being stripped off in front of the whole school
The athletes thanking the LaSallian community for their wholehearted support all throughout the first half of the 70th UAAP season

= = = = =

Host: “When we won our last game against Ateneo, Coach Franz said that ‘in this case, two is greater than three’. Just a few days after that, he and the team went on to prove that two is greater than fourteen.”

= = = = =

"All our defeats..
All our victories..
We lift them up to You.."

= = = = =

Party at The Prince of Jaipur in Taguuig tomorrow and Embassy on Saturday. Free admission daw for LaSallians. Just show your school ID.

= = = = =

Of course, men’s basketball isn’t the only sport in the UAAP. Congratulations to the Woodpushers, Tankers, Judokas, Jins, Paddlers, Beach Volleyball players, and all the other teams who competed in the first half of the UAAP season 70. We’re equally proud of you guys. (Insert applause here.) And good luck to the Fencers, Netters, Booters, Spikers, Batters, and all the other teams who will compete in the second half. Go, La Salle!

= = = = =

Despite all the criticisms from all the bitter people out there, it feels good to be a LaSallian.

I’ve seen how we’ve embodied unity, loyalty, and school spirit and it makes me even more proud to be a part of the La Salle family.

We’re back. We’re one. WE’RE NUMBER ONE.

Animo La Salle!

2007-10-10T16:36:00.000+08:00

Again, for the nth time, once more...

A year ago today, I got Johnry the 2nd, Kat Jr., and Moogle through LBC.

So, technically, it's their first birthday.

That's why I got them out of the closet.

After today, they're going back there.

Although am seriously considering donating them to some children's foundation where they could make a kid happy instead of making me feel miserable.

I'll think about it.

Feliz compleanos..

Alles gute zum geburtstag..

Maligayang bati..

Happy Birthday, my dear dogs..

2007-10-03T20:42:00.000+08:00

systematisierter Wahn..

I was watching the news last night when I heard that some sort of bomb went off near SLU and that some students got hurt. My initial reaction was to worry. It was like my heart jumped up to my throat. Paranoia kicked in. What if he was one of the people who got hurt? I hoped he was ok. I had to make sure so, since I don’t have his number anymore, I texted one of his friends. When I didn’t get a reply, I texted his sister to ask her if he was ok. It turns out that he was. Ok, I mean. After not hearing from him for who knows how long, he texted me to assure me that he was fine. It was a huge relief to know that he was safe. He and I have not spoken to each other for quite some time now. It’s like we’re strangers to each other because he’s got this whole other life now. I, on the other hand, have been trying my best to put myself back together since January and I’d like to think that I’ve been fairly successful. I really am starting to forget about him and everything that happened between us or at least trying my best not to think about the memories and the person with whom I created them. But when I heard the news last night, I couldn’t help but worry. Despite the resentment that I feel for him, I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to him. I still care for him. I don’t think it’s something that will go away easily. I will always care for him. We did, after all, share a special bond even if it was just for a brief period of time.

On a totally different note…

We won against Ateneo last Sunday! Of course, everybody already knows about this. I just felt like putting it on my blog. ADMU may have won more games than us but what’s important is that we won against them when it mattered the most. Congratulations, Green Archers! Tomorrow’s the first championship game against UE. Lotsa luck to us. Animo La Salle!

2007-09-27T20:25:00.000+08:00

Ich Liebe Es..

I said "devaluate" in IPOLECO yesterday. Is that even a word? The professor asked us what countries with balance of payment defecits would do to increase their export revenue if a fixed exchange rate did not exist. The answer is that they devalue their currency. But I said devaluate instead of devalue.I don't think the professor noticed though cause he said "correct!". Still, it's kinda embarassing.

I wish my parents had let me shift during frosh year. It would have saved us a lot of time and money. Anyways, it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? What does matter is that I enjoy going to school again because I'm really interested in all my subjects. I'm only takingfour subjects this term and all of them are majors: IPOLECO (International Political Economy), EURHIST (European History), PHILFOR (Introduction to Philippine Foreign Policy Analysis), and SPANONE (Spanish One). I absolutely love, love, love my course now.

= = = = =

We lost to Ateneo by a point today. Darn. This coming Sunday's game ought to be really interesting. TY Tang was awesome today. So was Chris Tiu. Amf.

= = = = =

The new coca-cola commercial is really cute.
"Give a little love and it all comes back to you..."

= = = = =

I miss my family. Seven more months before I see them again. I can hardly wait.